I don’t talk much about my childhood out of fear that I will be seen as weak, asking for attention, feeling bad for myself, in my sob story, not letting go of the past, making others uncomfortable, woe is me…but it’s TIME to share bits of my story and how it impacts me NOW to be of service to others in their times of pain.
To show you there’s a way to move through it.
To embody my pain and suffering and also my love and light.
Since I was a child — traumatically ripped from mother’s arms at age 3 — I have LONGED, BEGGED, PLEADED for love, acceptance and approval…especially from the sacred feminine.
If I’m a GOOD girl, I listen well, I behave, I do what I’m supposed to, I get good grades, I help others feel better with my shiny personality, do the right thing; THEN I will loved.
If I’m naughty or bad, then I must be punished. I am only loveable if I’m a good girl.
You see, I know I am of the light, not the darkness…but the first 28 years of my were emotionally dark, excruciating and confusing.
As I matured, I realized this deep-rooted pattern and focused on “healing” it and moving on to be the person I’m meant to be — unafraid, powerful, light-filled.
But the truth is…
This pattern simply manifested in me in a different way, and I have been completely BLIND-SIDED by it’s interference in being WHO I AM and how I’m showing up in the world.
I began to HIDE behind others, living in the shadows, preaching what I learned from my mentors, coaches and Intuitives….believing that THEIR truth was MINE. Why forge MY own path when the blueprint is already there? And people LOVE them, they inspire, they’re wise beyond my years…they KNOW more than me, better than me. They know the truth.
Not only that but admiring my mentors on pedestals, above me, seeing more than me, giving my power away time and time again…begging for approval. Look at me! Look how great I am! Love me! PLEASE! Love me! Giddy with excitement and self-worth every time my mentors gave me praise.
…This realization led me to my knees…
Praying for guidance, clarity, TRUTH…
I felt my entire foundation crumble below my feet.
Pieces of my soul scattered, confused, angry, sad, and SCARED to DEATH of judgement. Scared that if I looked too closely I wouldn’t love who I am…
WHO I AM?
What is MY TRUTH? What does that even mean?
What is MY unique essence?
What are MY innate gifts and talents?
The old beliefs of who I thought I was BROKEN and yet the NEW not taking roots yet…
IT FELT LIKE I WAS DYING.
I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO SURRENDER.
For the first time in my life, I asked for help.
I have been surrounded by people who love me my entire life and yet I have always traveled into my soul and these painful experiences ALONE, beating myself up over and over to learn the lessons. Feeling shame and anger for making the same mistakes. In order to learn, I needed to beat myself over the head with it…internally scold myself, closing my heart off even more, thinking I learned the lesson and moving on…to be left still feeling broken and ashamed.
This time I chose differently.
I asked for help.
I asked to be held in a sacred space to purge, curl up like a baby and sob.
I was given heart-centered guidance and love in a way that I have never experienced before. I let myself be HELD, so safely, so supported, so nurtured.
I was held in the sacred feminine, chest to chest, heart to heart, soul to soul, essence to essence.
I finally, after 33 years, felt my heart TRULY starting to open.
I have cried about everything remotely emotionally touching the past 4 days.
Allowing the love to fully encompass my heart.
Feeling judgements dissipate.
Feeling myself relax into the sacred feminine.
Feeling the truth of who I am start to emerge and open like a flower.
Some call this “a dark night of the soul”, and I am choosing to call this necessary internal shifts, activating my heart to show up fully, connected in a whole new light with true authentcity pumping through my being to SHOW UP FULLY in my truth to be of service.
Universe, I hear you sister.
I am awake.
I am awake to the realness of the pain and happenings in our world, awake to the depths of love, awake to the major expansion happening all around us.
I am beginning to embody who I am and how I am of service.
No more hiding.
No more playing small.
No more fear of being judged and burned.
No more disconnection from those I love most.
Strengthening my inner knowing that my truth is my truth and your truth is your truth, and that’s so perfect.
The world needs you.
The world needs me.
I love you so much.
Thank you for listening and holding space for me to express myself fully and deeply.
I forgive myself.
Love & Honor,